Love can take many forms. You might love one person, of your gender or another. You might be aromantic and not feel romantic attraction to anybody. Or maybe you’re one of the approximately 5% of American adults who identify as polyamorous and love multiple people. Non-monogamy is a growing trend, with as many as 20% of Americans saying that they’ve tried it out, even if their current relationship isn’t non-monogamous.
While non-monogamy isn’t for everybody, if it appeals to you, it’s worth talking about! But it can be hard to bring up with your partner. When one partner tells the other that they’d like to explore non-monogamy, it can activate insecurities. Your partner may wonder if they’re not enough for you, or even if you want to cheat on them. And that’s not what non-monogamy is about! This conversation can be a minefield, but with the right approach, you can navigate it together. Today, let’s take a look at non-monogamy and think about how to broach the topic with your partner.
What Is Non-Monogamy?
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for any relationship structure that allows for romantic or sexual connections with more than one person. It’s a broad concept that can take many different forms, from polyamory, where individuals have multiple loving relationships, to open relationships, where partners may engage with others sexually but maintain a primary emotional bond with each other. Understanding these distinctions can help you figure out what kind of non-monogamy, if any, feels right for you.
Is There A Difference Between Polyamory and Non-Monogamy?
Polyamory and non-monogamy are similar, but there are some important differences. Polyamory specifically refers to having multiple romantic relationships simultaneously, with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Non-monogamy, on the other hand, can include polyamory but also encompasses other relationship styles like swinging or open relationships. The key difference lies in the focus: polyamory often centers on multiple emotional connections, while non-monogamy can be more about the freedom to engage with others, whether emotionally, sexually, or both. For the sake of this article, we’re sticking with the non-monogamy term!
How Do I Know If Non-Monogamy Is Right For Me?
Before bringing up non-monogamy with your partner, it’s important to do some self-reflection. Ask yourself why you’re interested in exploring non-monogamy. Is it because you feel a genuine capacity to love multiple people, or are you feeling unsatisfied in your current relationship? Non-monogamy isn’t a solution for a struggling relationship; it’s a choice that should come from a place of security and self-awareness.
Consider your values and what you want out of a relationship. Are you comfortable with the idea of your partner also having other relationships? Do you believe in the possibility of loving more than one person without diminishing the love you have for each? It’s essential to be honest with yourself about what you’re hoping to achieve with non-monogamy and whether it aligns with your emotional needs and capacity.
Talking To Your Partner About Non-Monogamy
Once you’ve done some self-reflection and feel confident that non-monogamy is something you genuinely want to explore, the next step is to talk to your partner. This can be a daunting conversation, so it’s important to approach it with care and empathy.
Timing Matters
Choose the right time to have this conversation. Bringing it up during an argument or when your partner is stressed isn’t likely to go well. Instead, find a moment when you’re both relaxed and able to have a thoughtful, open discussion. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship and what I want for us. Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind?”
Use “I” Statements
When discussing non-monogamy, focus on your feelings and desires rather than making your partner feel inadequate or defensive. Using “I” statements can help with this. For example, instead of saying, “You’re not enough for me,” you could say, “I’ve been feeling like I have the capacity to love more than one person, and I’d like to explore what that might look like for us.”
Be Prepared for Reactions
Your partner’s initial reaction might not be positive, and that’s okay. They might feel hurt, confused, jealous, or even angry. It’s important to give them space to express their feelings without getting defensive. Listen to their concerns, validate their emotions, and be ready to have multiple conversations about this topic over time. Remember, this is a big change, and it’s natural for your partner to need time to process the idea.
Discuss Boundaries and Expectations
If your partner is open to exploring non-monogamy, the next step is to discuss boundaries and expectations. What are each of you comfortable with? How will you ensure that both of you feel secure and valued in the relationship? Clear communication about boundaries—whether they’re about who you can date, how much time you’ll spend with other partners, or what you share with each other—is so important for maintaining trust and avoiding misunderstandings.
Non-Monogamy and the C Word
One of the biggest barriers to talking about non-monogamy is the worry about cheating. But wanting to change the parameters of your relationship isn’t necessarily cheating. It’s all about consent and security within the relationship. Cheating involves deceit and betrayal, while non-monogamy, when done ethically, is based on transparency and mutual agreement.
Also, keep in mind that non-monogamy isn’t the same thing as a completely open relationship. You can still cheat within such a relationship! The only way a non-monogamous relationship will work is if all partners are on the same page in regards to their expectations and practices. Monogamy implies a closed relationship, but once you leave those bounds, communication becomes so much more important.
In non-monogamous relationships, it’s vital to continuously check in with your partner and ensure that both of you feel respected and heard. This includes discussing how each of you defines cheating within the context of your new relationship structure. For some, cheating might involve breaking a specific agreement, like seeing someone else without discussing it first. For others, it could be about emotional infidelity. Whatever the case, these conversations are key to maintaining trust and preventing misunderstandings.
An ethical non-monogamous relationship can be a beautiful thing. It’s a space where all partners can feel supported and loved. Every person in the relationship brings their own strengths and perspectives, and being able to literally share the love means that the members of the relationship feel less pressure to be everything to their partner. When a non-monogamous relationship is rooted in love and respect, and all partners are happy, it can have the same security as a monogamous relationship.
Moving Forward Together
Talking about exploring non-monogamy can be a wonderful experience– even if you and your partner decide it’s not for you, it’s always a good idea to talk about your needs and desires within a relationship. It’s important that you and your partner talk about what love means to you, and what you want out of a relationship. By communicating openly and honestly and working together, you and your partner can make the best decision for your relationship.
If you need help with these challenging conversations, we’re here to help. At Love Heal Grow, our relationship therapists know that love comes in all kinds of shapes and sizes, and we’re here for you, your partner, your other partner, your partner’s partner… you get the idea! Schedule an appointment with one of our relationship therapists today for the professional support you deserve.
