People tend to have a really complicated relationship with porn. Some people like it and incorporate it into a healthy set of sexual practices. Other people hate it, finding it harmful by default and that the production is degrading. We are not here to debate the ethics of pornography today; it’s a sensitive topic that every person and couple needs to think about. What we are here to discuss is how pornography can be harmful to relationships and how to recognize if porn’s a problem for you.
In today’s digital age, access to pornography is more prevalent than ever before- and most of us are engaging with it. A large study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that 91.5% of men and 60.2% of women reported pornography use within the previous month. While it’s a personal choice for individuals to engage with such material, it’s absolutely necessary to recognize that pornography can have implications for relationships, including dynamics, intimacy, and overall connection. It’s not uncommon for couples to experience challenges related to pornography, and acknowledging these challenges is an essential step toward fostering open communication and seeking support when needed. So let’s talk about what problems porn can cause and what to do if porn becomes a problem.
The Problems with Porn
So if most people are using pornography, what’s the big deal? When you use porn in a relationship, it can introduce a myriad of complexities and challenges that may significantly impact the dynamics and well-being of both partners. Here are some of the problems that the use of porn can introduce to a relationship.
Unrealistic Expectations
One of the most significant impacts of pornography on relationships is the development of unrealistic expectations about sex and intimacy. Pornography isn’t normal sex. It’s scripted, lit, and filmed on a set. Even amateur porn is made with the screen in mind and tailored to what an audience wants. Pornography presents idealized and exaggerated portrayals of sexual encounters, which can create unrealistic standards for performance, body image, and pleasure. When people compare themselves or their partners to the unrealistic standards depicted in pornography, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, dissatisfaction, and pressure to conform to unrealistic ideals. It can also lead to performance anxiety and tension between partners, especially if one partner forms a paraphilic attachment to certain positions or acts that may not be comfortable- or even feasible!- for their partner in real life.
Diminished Intimacy
Excessive consumption of pornography can lead to a decrease in emotional and physical intimacy between partners. When one or both individuals prioritize fantasy over real-life interactions, it can result in a disconnect in the relationship. Frustration can also emerge when a couple’s real sex life isn’t picture-perfect like it so often is in porn. Pornography may serve as a substitute for genuine intimacy, leading to a lack of communication, emotional connection, and shared experiences between partners. As a result, the relationship may become emotionally distant, leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
Communication Barriers
Pornography use within a relationship can create barriers to effective communication. Partners may feel uncomfortable discussing their feelings, concerns, or boundaries related to pornography, leading to a lack of open communication and understanding. The secrecy or shame associated with pornography use may prevent individuals from expressing their needs or addressing issues within the relationship, further exacerbating communication barriers.
Trust and Betrayal
In some cases, the secrecy or dishonesty surrounding pornography use can erode trust within the relationship. When one partner feels betrayed or deceived by the other’s pornography use, it can lead to feelings of resentment, jealousy, and insecurity. Trust is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, and the discovery of pornography use without the knowledge or consent of the other partner can undermine trust and create significant challenges in the relationship.
Impact on Sexual Satisfaction
While pornography can be a source of sexual arousal for some folks, its impact on sexual satisfaction within a relationship can vary. Excessive consumption of pornography may lead to a decrease in sexual desire or satisfaction with one’s partner, as individuals may become desensitized to real-life sexual experiences. This can lead to compulsive sexual behaviors. Additionally, pornography use may lead to a lack of sexual communication and exploration between partners, hindering the development of a fulfilling sexual relationship. Also, porn is scripted, lit, and filmed to appeal to the eye- not what actually feels good for people having sex. Case in point- while 78% of porn shows a male orgasm, only 18% shows a woman having an orgasm.
Emotional Consequences
The emotional consequences of pornography use within a relationship can be significant. Partners may experience feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and inadequacy as a result of their partner’s pornography use. Pornography can also contribute to feelings of shame, guilt, or discomfort within the relationship, further impacting emotional well-being and connection between partners.
Physical and Mental Harm
There’s no easy way to say this: there’s a lot of sexual violence in porn. In a content analysis of 304 scenes from 50 extremely popular pornographic videos, 88.2% contained physical aggression, while 48.7% of scenes contained verbal aggression. The aggressors were overwhelmingly men; the targets were almost entirely women. And unlike in healthy kink relationships, these videos don’t show discussion, check-ins, or aftercare; instead, they convey extremely unhealthy messages about what expectations are for both partners. Pornography is a common element in sexual abuse. That isn’t to say that all porn users are abusers, but we do tend to internalize what we see. If modern porn shows us that acting violently towards our partners is how sexual intimacy is expressed, that can lead to some serious problems in our relationships.
Signs Of Concern
Recognizing signs that pornography may be negatively impacting your relationship is an essential first step toward addressing these concerns. Some signs to watch for include:
- Increased secrecy or defensiveness about internet or device usage.
- Decreased sexual intimacy or satisfaction within the relationship.
- Heightened sensitivity or conflict related to discussions about pornography.
- Feelings of inadequacy or insecurity triggered by pornography use.
- Distraction or disengagement during intimate moments with your partner.
As is the case with so many relationship issues, communication is key. Talk to your partner about pornography. Talk about how you want it to fit into your relationship. Maybe it’s a situation where neither of you wants to use it, or maybe it’s something you want to include to spice things up in the bedroom! Talking about porn can be awkward, but you want to be on the same page about it before any problems develop.
What You Can Do
If you think pornography is affecting your relationship, it’s time to take proactive steps to address the issue. Here are some strategies to consider:
Open Communication
Initiate honest and non-judgmental conversations with your partner about pornography and its impact on your relationship. Share your thoughts, concerns, and feelings openly, and encourage your partner to do the same. Approach the discussion with empathy and a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives.
Establish Boundaries
Work together to establish clear boundaries and agreements regarding pornography use within your relationship. Discuss what is acceptable and unacceptable for both partners, taking into account individual values, beliefs, and comfort levels. Setting boundaries can help create a sense of safety and trust within the relationship.
Focus on Intimacy
Prioritize intimacy and connection in your relationship by engaging in activities that promote emotional and physical closeness. Spend quality time together, engage in open and honest communication, and explore ways to enhance intimacy outside of sexual activity.
Seek Support
Consider seeking support from a qualified relationship therapist who can provide guidance and tools for navigating issues related to pornography within your relationship. A therapist can offer a neutral and supportive space for exploring concerns, improving communication, and strengthening your connection as a couple.
If pornography is a problem in your relationship, we can help. Reach out to the relationship therapists and coaches here at Love Heal Grow. There’s no shame in wanting to have a stronger relationship!
