Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

In our daily lives, we are surrounded by mirrors. There are literal mirrors like the one hanging over the closet door, the rear-view mirror in your car, the glass windows you walk past on your way to work, and even the front-facing camera on your smartphone. One use of these mirrors is to see what we look like; each one will show a different version of what we look like. The one hanging over the closet door lets us see if this outfit goes with those shoes. If there’s a split in the glass windows when we walk past, it may cut off part of our reflection. Dust or steam may cling to the bathroom mirror, obscuring and blurring our features. If it’s one of those warped Funhouse mirrors, it may show a completely inaccurate, distorted caricature of who we are. The one thing that they have in common is that they are images of us.

The people in our lives also serve as mirrors. People reflect back to us who we are and can help us see if we are being who we want to be. Like the mirrors mentioned before, each person reflects a version of us that we use to better understand ourselves and grow. Sometimes, this reflection is accurate, like a clean mirror with good lighting. An accurate mirror shows us who we are by reflecting our behaviors, values, beliefs, and intentions as a whole. An accurate mirror shows us the good with the bad without judgment or shame. When this mirror is internalized, we can see ourselves without judgment and are more ready to treat ourselves compassionately. For example, if a teenager is struggling with their math class and constantly asks their teacher for help, an accurate mirror might say,“I hear you, and I’m glad you’re asking for help. Since the class is busy right now, let’s schedule some time during lunch to review your questions.” The teen may internalize that their learning is important enough that the teacher sets aside time to help.

Sometimes, a person may reflect a version of us that is completely distorted, much like a Funhouse mirror. This reflection may emphasize and focus on certain behaviors, beliefs, or even preconceived notions about us. These mirrors can be critical and judgmental, so when internalized, we are critical and judgmental of ourselves. Let’s take the same teenager from before, but every time they ask for help, the teacher huffs and snaps at them, “Why are you always wasting my time? Can’t you see how busy I am?”. The teen may then internalize that they are burdensome and learn to stop asking for help.

So, how do you know when someone is an accurate mirror or a distorted mirror?

It is important to have a strong sense of self in order to discern when someone is an accurate mirror or a distorted mirror. When we know who we are, our intentions, and our values, we can see who is mirroring us accurately and who isn’t. That can feel like a daunting task, especially when we are constantly changing and growing. The journey starts with being curious and willing to get to know ourselves.

No one should have to go on this journey alone. A mental health professional can help you strengthen your values, beliefs, and identify the different mirrors in your life. If you are ready to start this journey, please do not hesitate to reach out to us here at Love Heal Grow!