Are You Making Things Worse for Yourself? Perfectionism: The Spiral of Misery

As therapists, our work is to support our clients in their growth and in their challenges.  One of the biggest challenges that many people contend with is the tendency to try and cope with difficult emotions in ways that actually lead to more difficult emotions.

Obvious examples of this are using drugs, alcohol or holding on to old destructive patterns. While these choices may provide short-term relief, distraction or a much welcome numbing, we know that they actually create more problems than they solve.

Another surprising way that this might show up is through perfectionism.  Here’s what it might look like…

You may have an underlying feeling or fear that you are not enough or that you’re not good enough or that you’re really not worthy of love.

This can be common if you’ve experienced childhood trauma or had caregivers that may have been critical or overly anxious and who pushed you too hard.  Or it just may be the result of living in our present day, achievement-oriented culture.

But because the emotions that arise from believing you might not be enough are very painful to carry around, you may try to cope with or counter them by trying to be perfect.  You may have a default of going above and beyond and taking on way too much.  You may try to be everything to everybody and tolerate way more that is good for you—all in an effort to prove that you’re good enough or are worthy of love.

And then when trying to be perfect inevitably results in you feeling exhausted, depleted, even resentful and irritable, you may take this to mean that you’re falling short.

Plus, we all know that being perfect isn’t possible. So, if you have to be perfect to be good enough, this will always lead to you concluding that you really aren’t good enough after all.

From here your anxiety kicks in, maybe, causing you to try even harder to be perfect and do even more.  But then you get more of the same and it becomes a spiral: Increased anxiety, then more over-functioning, then being more overwhelmed, then reaffirming that you aren’t enough and then more anxiety and on and on.

We can find ourselves trapped in these never-ending loops that are simply miserable – feeling like you have nothing left to give and yet you have to keep showing up and giving everything anyway. If this sounds familiar, you know how miserable this is.

This is where a trusted therapist can be so helpful. A therapist can help you figure out what is going on for you and then help you sort out where it might be coming from.

A therapist can support you to make your well-being more of a priority and build a genuine appreciation for yourself, so that you no longer need to be perfect to believe that you are enough.

A therapist can assist you to gently approach and look at the difficult feelings that you might be trying to avoid with your efforts to be perfect.  While this may feel scary at first, you can learn that these feelings don’t have to be feared and then you have the freedom to start making healthier choices for yourself.

Please do not hesitate to reach out to the team at Love Heal Grow for more help. If you’re ready to break the cycle of anxiety and perfectionism, I would love to support you – schedule an appointment with me today.