Do you find yourself saying yes to everything, even when it’s inconvenient or something you don’t want to do? Are you so conflict-avoidant that the thought of upsetting a boss, partner, coworker, family member, or random stranger makes you feel anxiety? Do you prioritize others’ needs over your own to the point of feeling exhausted or resentful? If so, you might be a people-pleaser. While it’s great to be kind and considerate, constantly putting others before yourself can take a toll on your mental and emotional well-being. Learning to stop people-pleasing is a journey towards healthier relationships and a more balanced life.
But learning how to stop being a people pleaser can be really hard, especially because we’re often socialized to minimize our own needs for the sake of others. And that goes extra for women– 56% of American women identify themselves as people pleasers. Not being a people-pleaser doesn’t mean that you stop being nice; what it means is that you learn how to advocate for your own needs and wants. Let’s take a look at people-pleasing and see how we can break ourselves of the habit.
Understanding People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often stems from a deep-seated desire to be liked and accepted. You might have learned early in life that being agreeable and accommodating earned you approval and avoided conflict. This behavior can be reinforced over time, making it difficult to break the cycle. However, recognizing the signs and underlying causes of people-pleasing is the first step towards change.
Signs You Might Be a People-Pleaser
Here are some common signs that you might be a people-pleaser:
- Difficulty Saying No: You agree to requests, even when you’re overwhelmed.
- Fear of Conflict: You avoid disagreements and go along with others to keep the peace.
- Low Self-Esteem: Your self-worth is tied to others’ approval and validation.
- Overcommitment: You take on too many tasks or responsibilities, often to your own detriment.
- Neglecting Self-Care: Your needs and desires take a backseat to those of others.
The Impact of People-Pleasing
Constantly striving to please others can lead to burnout, stress, and a sense of emptiness. You might feel that your own needs are never met, leading to resentment towards those you try to please. Additionally, people-pleasing can result in a loss of identity, as you become more focused on what others want than on your own preferences and goals. It’s essential to recognize these impacts and take steps to prioritize your own well-being.
Steps to Stop People-Pleasing
Stopping your path as a people-pleaser doesn’t mean that you stop being a kind, loving person. Instead, it involves reframing the way you interact with others and realizing that the first person you need to please is you.
Acknowledge Your Behavior
The first step to change is awareness. Reflect on your actions and identify situations where you tend to prioritize others at your expense. Journaling can be a helpful tool for this process. Pay attention to instances where you agreed to something you didn’t want to do and explore the reasons behind your decision.
Understand Your Motivations
Ask yourself why you feel compelled to please others. Is it fear of rejection or conflict? Do you seek validation or approval? Understanding your motivations can help you address the root causes of your behavior. For example, if you fear conflict, you might need to develop strategies for managing disagreements constructively.
Practice Saying No
Learning to say no is crucial for setting boundaries. Start small by declining minor requests and gradually work up to more significant ones. Remember, saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s a way to protect your time and energy for the things that truly matter to you.
Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. Determine what you are and aren’t willing to do, and communicate these limits clearly to others. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, or time-related. For instance, you might set a boundary that you don’t check work emails after a certain hour.
Prioritize Self-Care
Make self-care a priority in your life. This can include activities that nourish your body, mind, and spirit, such as exercise, hobbies, and relaxation. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for maintaining your overall well-being and being able to support others effectively.
Seek Support
Changing ingrained habits can be challenging, so don’t be afraid to seek support from friends and family. However, you should be aware that… well, many of these people may not want you to change your habits. Part of being a people pleaser is pleasing people, after all, and your family and friends have likely been benefiting from your good nature for years– even if they never meant to take advantage of you. This is where boundaries come into play. You may need to have difficult conversations about your feelings and how you won’t be doing certain things from now on.
If these conversations are challenging, professional support may be what you need. Talking to a therapist can provide validation and encouragement. They can also offer a different perspective and help you stay accountable to your goals, and help you strategize boundaries if necessary.
Challenge Negative Beliefs and Discomfort
People-pleasing often involves negative beliefs about yourself, such as thinking you’re not good enough or that others’ needs are more important than your own. Challenge these beliefs by reminding yourself of your worth and affirming that it’s okay to prioritize your needs. Also, learning to stop people-pleasing will likely be uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to always saying yes. Embrace this discomfort as a sign that you’re growing and changing.
Practice Assertiveness
Assertiveness involves expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. It’s a skill that can be developed with practice. Start by stating your opinions in low-stakes situations and gradually build up to more challenging conversations. Remember, being assertive isn’t about being aggressive; it’s about standing up for yourself while respecting others.
Reflect on Your Progress
Regularly reflect on your progress and celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Acknowledge the times you’ve set boundaries, said no, or prioritized self-care. Reflection can help reinforce positive changes and motivate you to continue your journey.
The Benefits of Letting Go of People-Pleasing
There are so many good reasons to let go of people-pleasing. You’ll likely feel more empowered and in control of your life. Your relationships may become more genuine and balanced, as others learn to respect your boundaries. Additionally, you’ll have more time and energy to pursue your own goals and interests, leading to a greater sense of fulfillment and well-being.
Breaking free from people-pleasing habits can be difficult, and it’s okay to seek professional help. A therapist can provide you with tools and strategies to change your behavior and support you through the process. Therapy can also help you explore the underlying causes of your people-pleasing tendencies and develop healthier ways of relating to others. If you’re ready to take the next step, consider scheduling an appointment with a therapist here at Love Heal Grow. Our team is here to support you on your journey towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
