How to End Your Dry Spell!

You deserve a fulfilling sex and love life– Literally. Here’s how I know:

Hi, my name’s Flo Oliveira (they/them) and I am a sex coach, current educator and sex therapist at Love Heal Grow Counseling. For years clients have come to my sessions afraid of even mentioning their intimacy (let alone saying s-e-x)!

2 years into what you thought was your perfect relationship, you find yourself in a 3 month dry spell. You are now three months into no touch, comfort, or even hand holding with your partner. It’s sleep, eat, work, and repeat. It’s a routine but it’s a dull one. Maybe it’s the arguments? The infidelity that lingers? The disagreements between them and your family? Is there any hope of saving this once loving relationship or are the challenges proving to be harder than you signed up for?

Everyone says relationships are hard, but you don’t really understand it until you’re across from the person you love with this cyclical feeling of doom. There’s always this nagging thought in the back of your mind – “look at that/this, they don’t listen, maybe I should leave?!” Negative thoughts about relationships are completely normal! When things feel unaligned in our love life, it is common to lean into our doubts and worries. In the process of moving forward it is essential  to allow your thoughts and feelings space. Stifling your inner worries can actually increase resentment and muddle our abilities to clearly communicate.

Look, you’re probably thinking “Who is this person and what the heck do they know about my relationships?” And you’re right! I don’t know your relationship, at least not yet. But I do work with tons of couples who have ranged from wanting to move countries to get away from their partner(s) to couples who love each other deeply AND want to explore non-monogamy.

It is hard. Things come at you unexpectedly. But you and your partner(s) are the experts of your relationship. Below are 5 tips for you and your partner(s) to utilize in your next conversation:

1. Give your thoughts ROOM!
   • Allow your thoughts some processing room before entering conversation with your partner(s). Process what you are feeling by utilizing a guiding activity like journaling, making bullet points, or discussing it with a neutral friend.
2. FEEL!!!
   • Feel your feelings. Are you mad, angry, sad, scared of losing something? Lead with this. Utilize “I feel” statements.
3. Step up and Step back 
   • Listen AND speak with intent. Be intentional with your words AND your presence. Make sure that as you practice being intentional about your feelings, you are also intentional about stepping back to create room for their feelings. 
4. What do WE need?
   • Name what you both need. Whether it comes to better boundaries or returning to the conversation in a few days, name what your bodies are asking for.
5. Aftercare <333
   • Create an aftercare routine. Reconnection is part of the work in heavy conversations. Know that things won’t always feel “normal” after these discussions. End the conversation and reconnect in ways that feel good (i.e. get dinner together, watch an episode, go for a drive together etc). 

All the tips above can help begin challenging conversations but we know that may not solve the issues you are encountering. Part of my job is to not only guide you through opening these conversations, but creating a reality in which intimacy can exist for you too. If you still find yourself needing support, I’d love to work with you at Love Heal Grow Counseling – Schedule an appointment with me today)

At Love Heal Grow we have a variety of therapists who can assist you. Please do not hesitate to reach out to us at Love Heal Grow today to get in touch with one of our therapists.