One of the biggest challenges about being a parent is determining how you want to raise your children. Obviously you want them to grow up to be happy, healthy, well-rounded individuals– but the way we do that has changed a lot in recent years. This is especially true with the rise of mom blogs and public parenting on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and other social media platforms. For a lot of parents, it feels like they’re constantly being watched– and being judged– for their parenting style. How do you find a healthy medium with your partner in this mass media culture? Today, we’re going to talk about the importance of discussing and navigating differing parenting styles with your partner.
The best time to have this discussion is before you and your partner have kids. You want to be on the same page before children enter your lives! You and your partner should be a team. But if you didn’t have this conversation, then the best time to have it is now.
What Is My Parenting Style?
Some parts of parenting come naturally, but for many aspects, you need to make conscious decisions about how you raise your kids. The decisions you make and the rationale for making them is your parenting style! A parenting style refers to the overarching approach or pattern of behavior that parents use to raise their children. It encompasses the attitudes, beliefs, and practices that guide parental interactions with their children and influence their children’s development and behavior.
Our parenting styles are deeply ingrained patterns of behavior and beliefs that shape how we raise our children. These styles vary widely, ranging from authoritarian to permissive, and each carries its own set of values and expectations. The clash between differing parenting styles often stems from fundamental differences in personal beliefs, and cultural influences. Your upbringing has a huge part to play in your parenting style as well, as does past childhood trauma. If your parents were authoritarian and harsh, it can impact your expectations for your own children. While breaking the trauma cycle is important, it can be hard.
But whatever your parenting style is, you need to be aware of the challenges that conflicting parenting styles can bring. Arguments over how to raise kids take a huge toll on relationships– and on the kids, too.
Conflicts Arising from Differing Parenting Styles
One of the primary sources of conflict arises from conflicting expectations regarding discipline, boundaries, and freedom. For example, one parent may prefer a strict authoritarian approach, while the other favors a more permissive style, leading to disagreements on issues such as bedtime routines, screen time limits, and consequences for misbehavior. This creates confusion and uncertainty for kids.
They may receive mixed messages about acceptable behavior and struggle to understand why rules and expectations vary depending on which parent they are interacting with. This inconsistency can undermine children’s sense of security and stability, potentially leading to behavioral issues and emotional distress.
Parenting style conflicts can also strain the relationship between partners, leading to tension, resentment, and feelings of inadequacy. Disagreements over parenting can escalate into larger relationship conflicts if not addressed effectively, eroding trust and intimacy between the two of you. A huge part of this is the philosophical and moral aspect of parenting styles. See, these styles don’t come out of nowhere. They reflect underlying values and beliefs about child-rearing, discipline, and the role of parents.
When partners hold contrasting beliefs about what constitutes effective parenting, these differences can cause disagreements about all kinds of bigger issues. But perhaps more importantly, because parenting styles have such a strong basis in parental values, it can be easy to feel attacked or judged for your beliefs.
Parenting style conflicts may also reflect underlying power struggles or dynamics within the relationship. One partner may feel marginalized or disempowered if their parenting preferences are consistently overridden or dismissed by the other partner. Resentment and frustration can build over time, leading to escalating conflicts and strained relationships.
The Impacts of Parenting Style Conflicts On Child Development.
Parenting style conflicts can have profound and lasting effects on children’s well-being and development. Kids may experience heightened levels of stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil when they hear their parents fighting– and worse, they may perceive themselves to be the source of this conflict. Witnessing their parents argue or disagree over parenting issues can create a sense of insecurity and instability, undermining their emotional resilience and self-esteem.
Also, remember that children’s behavior is based on what they see modeled. If they are getting mixed messages from their parents, they can have a hard time understanding how to navigate social interactions themselves. Kids who grow up in environments marked by parental discord may struggle with communication, conflict resolution, and empathy, hindering their social skills and relationships with peers.
Also, children raised in high-conflict environments are more likely to exhibit behavioral problems such as aggression, defiance, and impulsivity. The uncertainty and unpredictability associated with conflicting parenting styles can leave children feeling overwhelmed and powerless, leading to acting out behaviors as a means of coping.
Communication Is Key: Resolving Parenting Style Conflicts
So, how do you address differences in parenting styles? If you and your partner have strongly different values and beliefs about raising children, you need to be able to communicate clearly and effectively and determine what the hard boundaries are for each of you. You have to have open, honest conversations about your parenting styles and expectations.
You also need to try to understand each other’s perspectives and find common ground on key parenting principles and priorities. Compromise and flexibility are essential for navigating parenting style conflicts. Be willing to adapt and adjust your approach to parenting to accommodate each other’s preferences while prioritizing the well-being of your children.
Compassion is also extremely important in these conversations, especially if your parenting styles have different takes on discipline. For instance, corporal punishment is still perceived as effective in some families, and your partner may see nothing wrong with physically hitting children if they come from that type of environment. While today we know that hitting children is abuse, you need to work on understanding where your partner is coming from. If you can find out why your partner wants a certain type of parenting style, the two of you will have an easier time coming up with compromises and decisions that are good for you and the kids.
Keep the well-being and happiness of your children at the forefront of your decision-making process. Remember that parenting is a journey filled with ups and downs, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. What matters most is that you approach parenting with love, empathy, and a commitment to supporting your children’s growth and development.
If you need help coming to agreements about parenting, don’t hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, support groups, or a mental health professional. A neutral third party can offer valuable perspective and guidance to help you navigate challenges effectively. If you and your partner need help resolving parenting conflicts, don’t hesitate to reach out to us here at Love Heal Grow. Our team of relationship coaches and counselors are here to help you create the happy, healthy family environment you and your kids deserve!
