Sex After Menopause: Navigating Changes

Our post-menopause lives can bring lots of changes, some welcome, some unwelcome. Often some of the least welcome changes are those that affect our sexuality.  The changes in our bodies and our hormone levels inevitably affect our sexual experience in some way.

Orgasms can be a casualty of menopause for many people, with lots of reports of orgasms becoming less intense and more elusive.

And it’s perfectly okay and normal if you choose to just let this be.  Not having an orgasm or not orgasming consistently does not have to be a problem.  There is lots of pleasure to be experienced with sensual and sexual encounters, besides the orgasm.  Sex can be satisfying without orgasm and there is no pressure or expectation here for you to seek any specific outcomes.

And If you aren’t happy with the changes in your orgasm experience, finding real information can be frustrating.  The research on post-menopausal orgasm is sparse. The advice from experts and medical professionals can be trite and meaningless, such as suggestions for getting in the mood, finding a comfortable position, or working on your self-esteem.

It’s not bad advice but kind of remedial and even a bit insulting.  Like, how did we get to our 60’s and not know that “getting in the mood” was important to enjoying sex?  And our orgasms change because our body chemistry and composition are changing and not because our self esteem is failing, thank you very much.

If you are looking for some direction, the following points may be a place to start.

Don’t Tolerate Painful Sex.

Pain during sex kills the vibe.  Sorry, I know you already know this, but I do think it’s important to at least give a mention to some of the causes of painful sex.

Vaginal atrophy, due to reduced hormone levels and blood flow to the genitals, is a common cause of pain.  There are real treatments for this so consulting your health care profession would be a good idea.

Vaginal dryness is inevitable as we age and can be reduced with lubricants or vaginal moisturizers.

Exercise, Strength Training with Particular Focus on Leg Strength May Improve Orgasms.

There is research indicating that exercise and strength training can improve sexual satisfaction.  This may be related to the testosterone bump we can get from regular exercise and increased muscle mass. Our leg muscles are often involved in orgasmic response, so it makes sense that strengthening them could be helpful. This is not a quick fix, since it takes time to build muscle strength.  It might be worth it though, since the benefits extend beyond sexual enjoyment.

Pelvic Floor Strength.

Again, I know, I know.  You’ve heard it all before—do your Kegels.  The pelvic floor muscles contract during orgasms so getting and keeping them strong can make a difference.   Pelvic floor exercises may also increase blood flow and, thereby, improve orgasm experience —but again, it’s not a quick fix.

Increased Stimulation.

You may need more stimulation now. You may want to experiment with different types of touch or motion.  Try sex toys or a new vibrator.

Mindfulness and Presence.

Nothing takes away sexual pleasure and orgasm faster than being absent.  Bringing your attention to the sensations of your body right now will bring you to the present.  This is important because orgasms and sexual pleasure can only happen in the present moment.  So if you are worrying about whether you will have an orgasm; that future focus will take you right out of the pleasure and out of the orgasm.

Self Acceptance.

It’s okay for orgasms to change as we get older and our body changes.  Just because your orgasms may feel different, doesn’t mean they’re inferior. The orgasms that felt like they grabbed ahold of you and threw you off a cliff may evade you now.  But in their place, might be an experience that is just as pleasurable.  Sometimes, while maybe less intense, orgasms can be slower and longer, allowing you to be more present and aware of the experience, as well as your partner’s.  You might even notice an increased awareness of the sensations moving through your body.

There are many things about our lived years and maturity that enhance our sexual experience.  With age comes an increased ability to be truly present, to know our priorities in that moment and filter out irrelevant stuff.  Living in this body all these years, gives us the opportunity to know it really well and know what we like. Our wisdom makes us more capable of holding space for ourselves and our partners and knowing how to be in true intimacy. We can also really shed our shame and many of the toxic sexual beliefs we have been carrying since childhood.  This gets to be our time to claim our bodies, our experiences and our lives.  We get to define the rules.

If you are looking for more help in navigating sex after menopause either as an individual or with your partner, reach out to the team at Love Heal Grow – we would love to support you!