There’s a great line in the Netflix series Bojack Horseman that perfectly explains one of the problems people run into early in a relationship: “When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.” We tend to look at new partners through a rosy lens, explaining away or ignoring potentially problematic behaviors.
Noticing these red flags doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed or that your partner is inherently bad. Instead, it’s about being mindful of patterns and how they treat you and others. Understanding these early warning signs can help you make informed decisions about the future of your relationship.
What Is A Red Flag?
Red flags are behaviors or attitudes that indicate potential problems in a relationship. They can range from subtle signs of disrespect to more overt displays of problematic behavior. Recognizing these signs early on allows you to address issues before they become entrenched patterns.
Common Red Flags to Watch For
Inconsistent Communication
Communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Pay attention to how your partner communicates with you, especially in the early stages. Inconsistent communication, such as frequent cancellations, delayed responses, or vague excuses, can be a sign of disinterest or unreliability. While everyone has busy days, a consistent pattern of poor communication should raise a red flag. However, this red flag can often be worked out; sometimes peoples’ communication styles just clash. Make sure that you’re open with your new partner about the kind of communication you prefer, and see if you can meet each other to find a communication pattern that works for both of you.
Disrespectful Behavior
Respect is fundamental in any relationship. Watch out for behaviors that show a lack of respect, such as belittling comments, dismissive attitudes, or inconsiderate actions. This can also extend to how they treat others, including waitstaff, friends, or family. Disrespectful behavior towards others can indicate how they may eventually treat you.
Lack of Emotional Availability
A healthy relationship requires emotional availability from both partners. If your partner is consistently unwilling or unable to share their feelings, it may be a sign of deeper emotional issues. This can manifest as avoidance of serious conversations, emotional withdrawal, or an inability to express vulnerability. This red flag can really vary; if somebody’s new to dating, they might not know exactly how to be emotionally present. Open communication can often help with this issue.
Excessive Jealousy or Control
While a little jealousy can be natural, excessive jealousy or controlling behavior is a major red flag. This can include constantly checking up on you, demanding to know where you are at all times, or restricting your interactions with others. These behaviors can lead to an unhealthy dynamic or even turn into abuse– if you notice this need for control, you need to discuss boundaries with your partner.
Inconsistent Actions and Words
Trust is built on consistency between words and actions. If your partner frequently says one thing but does another, it can create confusion and mistrust. Pay attention to whether they follow through on promises and commitments, as inconsistency can be a sign of unreliability or dishonesty.
Recognizing Patterns
It’s important to note that spotting one or two red flags doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over. Everyone has off days, and no one is perfect. The key is to look for patterns of behavior over time. A single instance of poor communication or jealousy might be a one-time issue, but consistent patterns of these behaviors need closer attention.
How to Address Red Flags
If you notice red flags in your relationship, it’s best to talk about them early. Don’t let them become patterns; instead, work with your partner to create a scenario that’s healthy for both of you.
Communicate Your Concerns
If you notice red flags, it’s important to communicate your concerns with your partner. Choose a time when both of you are calm and open to discussion. Use “I” statements to express how certain behaviors make you feel without sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt when you cancel plans last minute without explanation.”
Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is crucial in any relationship. Clearly communicate your boundaries and expectations regarding respect, communication, and emotional availability. Healthy boundaries help establish mutual respect and ensure both partners feel safe and valued.
Observe Their Response
How your partner responds to your concerns can be very telling. A supportive partner will listen, acknowledge your feelings, and make an effort to address the issues. On the other hand, a dismissive or defensive response may indicate a lack of willingness to work on the relationship.
Seek Support
If you’re unsure how to handle certain red flags, seeking support from friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable perspective. They can offer objective insights and help you navigate the situation more effectively.
Red Flags on First Dates
First dates can be a great opportunity to spot potential red flags early. While it’s important not to jump to conclusions based on one date, certain behaviors can indicate deeper issues:
- Talking Only About Themselves: If your date dominates the conversation and shows little interest in getting to know you, it can be a sign of self-centeredness. (It can also be a sign that they’re nervous, so carefully read the room!)
- Negative Attitude: Pay attention to how they talk about past relationships, jobs, or life in general. A consistently negative attitude can indicate underlying dissatisfaction or pessimism.
- Disrespecting Boundaries: If your date disregards your personal boundaries, such as physical space or personal information, it can be a red flag for future disrespect.
- Inappropriate or Aggressive Behavior: Any form of aggression, whether verbal or physical, is a major red flag and should not be ignored.
Dealing With Red Flags
Spotting red flags early in a relationship is about being aware of patterns and behaviors that could indicate potential problems. It’s not about ending a relationship at the first sign of trouble, but rather about understanding what behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. By recognizing these signs and addressing them through open communication, setting boundaries, and observing your partner’s responses, you can make informed decisions about the future of your relationship.
Building a healthy, trusting relationship takes time and effort from both partners. Being mindful of red flags helps ensure that you are fostering a relationship based on mutual respect, trust, and emotional availability. Remember, it’s always better to address issues early on rather than allowing them to become entrenched patterns that are more difficult to change. But that doesn’t mean that patterns can’t change. If you and your partner are willing to put work into the relationship, you can overcome many issues. Couples therapy can really help turn around an unhappy relationship. If you and your partner, long-term or new, need help with your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out and schedule with a therapist here at Love Heal Grow.
