Understanding Breakups: Insights from Neuroscience and Therapy

This goes without saying, but breakups are tough. Following a breakup you may have trouble eating and sleeping, you may cry (a lot), and you may feel a physical aching or heaviness. You may find yourself waking up in the morning, and for a brief second, feeling okay…that is, until you are once again hit with the reality of the breakup. You may feel emotionally raw and feel a mix of deep sadness and anger when seeing other couples out in the world. Breakups bring a whirlwind of emotions, and it’s often hard to make sense of why it hurts so much. But understanding the science behind breakups and how therapy can help might make the healing process a bit easier. Let’s dive into how our brains react to breakups and how therapy can support you through this challenging time.

What Happens in Your Brain During a Breakup?

When a relationship ends, your brain goes through a series of changes that can make you feel intense emotional pain. Here’s a simple breakdown of what happens:

1. Reward System Disruption:When you’re in love, your brain releases a chemical called dopamine that makes you feel happy and rewarded. After a breakup, your dopamine levels drop, which can feel similar to withdrawal from a drug, making the emotional pain feel even more intense. This disruption is explored in research by Acevedo et al. (2012), which shows how the brain’s reward system is involved in romantic attachment and how it can be disrupted after a breakup (Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7, 239-249).
2. Pain Response:The same part of the brain that deals with physical pain also gets activated when you experience social rejection. This is why the emotional hurt from a breakup can feel like a physical ache. Eisenberger et al. (2003) demonstrated that social rejection activates similar brain areas as physical pain, highlighting why breakups can feel physically painful (Science, 302, 290-292).
3. Emotional Processing:Your brain’s “emotion center,” known as the amygdala, can become overactive, making you feel anxious and distressed. This can make it hard to think clearly or make rational decisions about the situation. Murray and Drevets (2011) review how emotional processing areas in the brain become overactive during emotional distress (Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 35, 740-752).
4. Struggling to Cope:Another part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, helps regulate emotions and make sense of things. During a breakup, this part might struggle to keep up with the flood of intense feelings, making it harder to stay calm and collected.

How Attachment Styles Affect Breakups

Attachment theory explains how our early relationships with caregivers influence how we handle breakups.This is supported by foundational work from Bowlby (1969) and Ainsworth et al. (1978), who detailed how early attachment experiences influence adult relationships (Attachment and Loss: Volume 1. Attachment; Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation).

Here’s a quick look at the different attachment styles and how they might affect your breakup experience:

1. Secure Attachment:If you have a secure attachment style, you’re likely to handle breakups in a balanced way. You’re able to process your emotions and eventually move on without too much difficulty.
2. Anxious Attachment:If you tend to need a lot of reassurance and closeness, a breakup can be especially hard. You might feel intense fear of abandonment and struggle more with moving on.
3. Avoidant Attachment:If you value independence and find intimacy challenging, you might handle breakups with less emotional upheaval. However, you might avoid dealing with your feelings, which can delay healing.
4. Disorganized Attachment:Individuals with insecure or disorganized attachment styles may experience significant confusion and distress during a breakup. This attachment style often stems from inconsistent or traumatic early relationships, leading to a mix of anxieties and difficulties with both intimacy and separation. During a breakup, you might find yourself caught between fear and anger, struggling to make sense of your emotions and responses. This can make the process of moving on particularly complex and painful.

How Therapy Can Help

Going through a breakup is challenging, but therapy can make a big difference. Here’s how working with a therapist can support you:

1. Understanding Your Emotions:A therapist can help you make sense of the intense emotions you’re experiencing. By talking through your feelings, you can better understand what’s happening in your brain and why it hurts so much.
2. Processing the Pain:Therapy provides a safe space to process your emotions. Therapists can guide you through techniques to manage and reduce the emotional pain, helping you feel more in control. Cuijpers et al. (2016) highlight the effectiveness of therapy in treating emotional distress and depression (Journal of Affective Disorders, 202, 511-517).
3. Exploring Attachment Styles:Understanding your attachment style with the help of a therapist can offer insights into why a breakup affects you the way it does. This knowledge can help you make sense of your reactions and develop healthier relationship patterns. Diamond and Bacigalupi (2011) discuss how attachment-based approaches in therapy can address relationship issues and personal emotional struggles (Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 10, 117-137).
4. Building Coping Strategies:Therapy can teach you practical strategies for coping with the aftermath of a breakup. This might include ways to manage anxiety, improve self-care, and rebuild your sense of self.
5. Moving Forward:With the support of a therapist, you can work on healing and finding new ways to approach relationships. Therapists collaborate with you in setting goals for personal growth and guide you through the process of moving on in a healthy way.

Conclusion

Breakups are tough, but understanding the science behind them and seeking therapy can help you navigate this challenging time. With insights into how your brain and emotions work, and the support of a skilled therapist, you can find ways to heal and grow from the experience. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take the time you need to move forward. For help with this, more tips, and attentive support, please don’t hesitate to reach out to Ashley Barnes or our other wonderful therapists here at Love Heal Grow.